For the three of you that still think black metal is Serious Business…
Not only is Frost Like Ashes a US black metal band, they are Christian at that! Seriously, at this point the fucken jokes write themselves. I mean, there has been a lot of crying about unblack metal (I prefer the term white metal myself. It sounds more…. pure) for longer than I care to remember – but this particular bunch of escaped mental patients, and religious zealots/fundamentalists easily take the cake. By fucken Odin, this is beyond awful.
The band’s live show usually incorporates acts as destroying a Satanic Bible, smashing a goat-skull adorned pentagram with a sword, drinking ‘blood’ etc. Because of this and because of using ‘hard’ language in their lyrics, they are one of the most controversial bands in Christian metal scene. They are also from Kansas City, Missouri — home to the infamous, and rightly despised Jesus Camp. The only good thing to come from that sorry excuse of a city was Angelcorpse, and maybe the horribly overrated Origin, if certain people are to be believed.
What in fuck’s name is going on here?!
The bald guy on the left is either having an upset stomach, or he’s screaming profanities at the photographer. I dunno. The guy in the middle (down below) is pulling a funny face probably to mask that he had a ginormous bowel movement, and is thinking: “oh, crap“.
The guy in the center back is really uncomfortable around his band mates, either cos the bald guy on the left has his finger up his ass, or he’s feeling ill cos of the lower guy’s bowel movement. What in Odin’s unholy name is going on with the guy’s corpse paint? It’s supposed to imitate death and decay, not fucken Marilyn Manson. And the guy on the right hand side, the one holding the sword – what exactly is his problem? Dude, wake up! You’re on that expensive photo shoot the church held a fundraiser for, this is not a time to catch up on your sleep.
Exactly what is up with these fucks corpse paint? IT SHOULD BE SCARY, NOT GOOFY!
Talk about fucken goofy, the singer takes the cake. Holy fucken crap, dudes. Pest’s skullet is more scary than this. Just look at this sterling example of humanity. Let’s not get into the finer details of this chap’s fashion choices, or the fact that his arm spikes are more scary than the combined discography of his own band. This is just… How many times what this guy dropped on his head during infancy? Oh sure, the sword on the mic stand is a cool touch, but at least go fucken full retard, asshat.
At least Rob Darken from Graveland had the cojones to fully dress up in various different medieval/pagan warrior garbs. So seek the LARPer within thyself! By Odin, black metal is silly and ridiculous enough on itself, but these Christian psychos take it to a new level…
Yeah, and stuff isn’t getting better, or more intelligent with Brazilian horde Uraeus.
Now technically I should go easy on these guys cos they have been around since the late 1990s – but given how supremely awful these guys’ photo shoots are, I’m not going to fucken do that. It’s like shooting fucken fish in a barrel. I barely recovered from my last image search, and I already have fucken enough material for another three of these articles. By fucken Odin…
At least Uraeus has an eligible and pretty cool looking logo. The crossed swords are just neat.
There’s something to be said about (black) metal bands trying to outdo each in pretending to all fucken be more grim, necro and evil than the next. It’s however an entire fucken other discussion when you raid your local goat farm for photo shoot props.
The guy on the left has a corpse paint malfunction, I think. It looks watered out. The bald chap next to him, with the Bat Wings corpse paint looks embarrassed and kinda seems to be gesturing “why the fuck did I ever sign up to do this?!” while contemplating a bunch of other of life’s many questions. Why is he holding the skull on his crotch? Eeeew, dude.
The two guys on the right seem really to be getting into it. I think the guy holding the skull in both hands is having a stroke, or his stomach started acting up. It’s hard to tell. The guy on right hand side is either agitated, or really fucken hostile that somebody took away his drink.
For reals, with promo pics like this it is no fucken wonder nobody takes this genre serious.
If you feel hurt that I insulted your favorite band, or your beloved band member of choice – deal with it. Modern black metal is fucken silly, and there’s never a shortage of material on the interwebs to support this claim. If you are in any of these bands, I feel sorry for you. Maybe it is time for a new hobby?