Really fucken stupid black metal – Frost Like Ashes, Uraeus

For the three of you that still think black metal is Serious Business…

FLA_Long_Patch

Not only is Frost Like Ashes a US black metal band, they are Christian at that! Seriously, at this point the fucken jokes write themselves. I mean, there has been a lot of crying about unblack metal (I prefer the term white metal myself. It sounds more…. pure) for longer than I care to remember – but this particular bunch of escaped mental patients, and religious zealots/fundamentalists easily take the cake. By fucken Odin, this is beyond awful.

The band’s live show usually incorporates acts as destroying a Satanic Bible, smashing a goat-skull adorned pentagram with a sword, drinking ‘blood’ etc. Because of this and because of using ‘hard’ language in their lyrics, they are one of the most controversial bands in Christian metal scene. They are also from Kansas City, Missouri — home to the infamous, and rightly despised Jesus Camp. The only good thing to come from that sorry excuse of a city was Angelcorpse, and maybe the horribly overrated Origin, if certain people are to be believed.

frostThankfully, the band has decided to hang it up and do something more productive with their lives. Anyway, let us take a fucken look at one of the band’s group shots.

What in fuck’s name is going on here?!

The bald guy on the left is either having an upset stomach, or he’s screaming profanities at the photographer. I dunno. The guy in the middle (down below) is pulling a funny face probably to mask that he had a ginormous bowel movement, and is thinking: “oh, crap“.

The guy in the center back is really uncomfortable around his band mates, either cos the bald guy on the left has his finger up his ass, or he’s feeling ill cos of the lower guy’s bowel movement. What in Odin’s unholy name is going on with the guy’s corpse paint? It’s supposed to imitate death and decay, not fucken Marilyn Manson. And the guy on the right hand side, the one holding the sword – what exactly is his problem? Dude, wake up! You’re on that expensive photo shoot the church held a fundraiser for, this is not a time to catch up on your sleep.

Exactly what is up with these fucks corpse paint? IT SHOULD BE SCARY, NOT GOOFY!

frostlikeashes01Talk about fucken goofy, the singer takes the cake. Holy fucken crap, dudes. Pest’s skullet is more scary than this. Just look at this sterling example of humanity. Let’s not get into the finer details of this chap’s fashion choices, or the fact that his arm spikes are more scary than the combined discography of his own band. This is just… How many times what this guy dropped on his head during infancy? Oh sure, the sword on the mic stand is a cool touch, but at least go fucken full retard, asshat.

At least Rob Darken from Graveland had the cojones to fully dress up in various different medieval/pagan warrior garbs. So seek the LARPer within thyself! By Odin, black metal is silly and ridiculous enough on itself, but these Christian psychos take it to a new level…

Yeah, and stuff isn’t getting better, or more intelligent with Brazilian horde Uraeus.

Now technically I should go easy on these guys cos they have been around since the late 1990s – but given how supremely awful these guys’ photo shoots are, I’m not going to fucken do that. It’s like shooting fucken fish in a barrel. I barely recovered from my last image search, and I already have fucken enough material for another three of these articles. By fucken Odin…

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At least Uraeus has an eligible and pretty cool looking logo. The crossed swords are just neat.

uraeus-bandThere’s something to be said about (black) metal bands trying to outdo each in pretending to all fucken be more grim, necro and evil than the next. It’s however an entire fucken other discussion when you raid your local goat farm for photo shoot props.

The guy on the left has a corpse paint malfunction, I think. It looks watered out. The bald chap next to him, with the Bat Wings corpse paint looks embarrassed and kinda seems to be gesturing “why the fuck did I ever sign up to do this?!” while contemplating a bunch of other of life’s many questions. Why is he holding the skull on his crotch? Eeeew, dude.

The two guys on the right seem really to be getting into it. I think the guy holding the skull in both hands is having a stroke, or his stomach started acting up. It’s hard to tell. The guy on right hand side is either agitated, or really fucken hostile that somebody took away his drink.

For reals, with promo pics like this it is no fucken wonder nobody takes this genre serious.

black-metal-suburbiaIf you feel hurt that I insulted your favorite band, or your beloved band member of choice – deal with it. Modern black metal is fucken silly, and there’s never a shortage of material on the interwebs to support this claim. If you are in any of these bands, I feel sorry for you. Maybe it is time for a new hobby?

Sarah Kane is going to cover more death metal, and I like that…

Sarah Kane, Philadelphia’s own piano wonder, has started work on another of her much loved death metal covers. No, really. It was just posted on her FaceBook. IT IS HAPPENING!

sara0If you don’t know who miss Kane is, she became somewhat of a YouTube hit with her covers of Cannibal Corpse track ‘Carnivorous Swarm’ and Meshuggah song ‘Bleed’. I prefer the former more than the latter, but I have a thing for auburn haired girls, and girls who play piano.

I’m always joking that Sarah should do an entire album of those, cos the reactions to the lyrics would be grand, if not downright hilarious. Imagine her singing an old Deicide tune with her sultry voice and lovely piano playing. This is leagues better than Tori Amos’ and her Slayer cover from years ago.

Odin knows we need more mainstream pop princesses like Sarah Kane to legitimize our joke of a genre, considering that the average level of literacy, or intelligence of most metal bands is still piss poor. Just saying.

Support Sarah and her noble quest to bring death metal from the mires of mediocrity!

Sarah Kane is on FaceBook. You can find out on her profile when she’ll be playing shows in your area. When she does, act fucken civil in her presence. This is not a metal show, you fucken asshat. 

Jenna Marbles – three looks

It’s that time of week again. This is that part where I post another fucken video from the ditziest blonde of them all, miss Jenna Marbles. interwebs phenomenon, party girl, pet enthusiast, social scientist  – and all around queen of the blogosphere. Jenna has it all, and explains it all.

600full-jenna-marblesMarbles is, as you all probably fucken know by now, some blonde American chick that posts videos on her Vlog every Wednesday.

In this video she shows just how versatile an entertainer she is. Producing phat beats, rapping with the best of them, being all sassy and, well, herself really. It’s not exactly Weird Al style parody, but Jen’s self-awareness is one of her greatest fucken strengths. Next to the fact that she’s blonde party girl that really like to gets obscenely and insanely drunk, and that she spews tons of profanities at a regular interval. Not that I’m complaining. Miss Marbles is one of a kind.

One day I’m gonna do a cross-over blog with her, and the interwebs will never be the same again… Either that, or I’m gonna make her part of the Flemming Multimedia Empire. Snark and booze for ALL!

More Jenna Marbles at her Vlog, her blog and shop.

Angist – Circle Of Suffering

ANGIST
Circle Of Suffering
Abyss Records/Hammerheart Records

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There is metal in Iceland? For fucken reals? Who knew…

There’s currently a lot to do about Angist, this fucken death metal band from Reykjavík, Iceland – although I couldn’t tell you why. Well, I can but it has jack shit to do with music. I mean, it isn’t fucken bad or anything, it is just so fucken… uhm, non-commital.

You play death metal, tear shit up already. Geez.

angist_photoNot that there isn’t enough totally fucken amazing music in Iceland. Björk is more metal than the lot of you will ever fucken be.

I love the crunchy, warm organic production this band has, and the drums don’t sound fucken plastic. Thank Odin for that.

The slow part in ‘Godless’ and the intro to ‘Silence’ was kinda nice. You can hear the bass guitar too, which is always a plus. The rest of it is kinda there, and that’s about it. At least these girls (and two guys, actually) have the right influences: mid-era Death, early Pestilence, old Morbid Angel, some old doom metal bands three people remember. Doesn’t fucken matter anyway.

Now that I think about it, ‘Silence’ is just like “The Dance Of December Souls” era Katatonia, “Pentecost III” Anathema or, like, what the fuck ever. For fucken reals. I could stomach an entire record like that. Trudging, dirgey dark death/doom metal with wailing tortured vocals. This shit just fucken owns. Odin knows there can be never of that sort of stuff. Holy fucken crap, dudes.

angist-eddaEdda’s vocals, by the fucken way, are totally in the Karl Willets and Sauron school, which is actually a pretty good combination. I like this Edda chica, I’d appreciate it even more if she would just stop fucken growling at me. No, you fucken halfwit, she is not that Edda. Stop fucken staring at her. It is embarrassing. Katerina Bardo is not singing in this band. For two obvious reasons, you know which ones. Just fucken saying.

That doesn’t change the fucken obvious fact that this Edda is too cute for this metal thing. She has a mean grunt, tho – that, and an unpronounceable last name.

‘Unwelcome Thoughts’ sounds like an old Death, or early Pestilence song. “Circle Of Suffering” is pretty good once it decides what it wants to fucken be. Most of the time however this thing meanders around not fucken sure if it wants to be death, thrash or death/doom metal. Decide already, for fuck’s sake. This is too good a formula to let go to to waste. Work it, goddammit.

I realize you have two hot tall blondes in your band, and that writing music is kinda secondary – but for fuck’s sake: make your mind up. I don’t remember too much metal coming from Iceland. You know, besides that horrible band Fortid, but they have been living in Norway for ages now.

The artwork is fucken excellent, and I wish more of these fucken stupid bands would use art like that, but it’s not like anybody reads what I write anyway.

Rate: 7 / http://www.officialabyssrecords.com/ , http://www.hammerheart.com/

Boddicker – False Flag

BODDICKER
False Flag
Ritual Knife Records

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Contrary to what that silly croissant Nico from Kaotoxin Records will tell you, there are actually genuinely fucken good grindcore bands that aren’t French.

I will now fucken talk about grindcore from the US of A, the continent where superstition, mental illness, anti-intelligence and hyperbole are not only encouraged, but actually are the fucken norm. Boddicker is a bunch of ugly menz from Detroit that play powerviolence.

boddickerUnfortunately they are not inspired by the original RoboCop movie, cos that would certainly be the funniest gimmick since… well, a long fucken time, for one thing. For another do these fucks really like old movies cos the EP cover is taken from the movie poster of “The Deer Hunter”. No, you fucken halfwit, it isn’t remade or fucken rebooted yet. There are actually movies out there that are older than you are.

I’d be pissed too if I lived in Detroit considering the level of poverty, crime and unemployment that fucken state is known for. Just saying. That’s probably why these fucks started playing a band in the first place. Not not end up institutionalized, or jailed. Maybe they just wanted an excuse to hang around impressionable young girls. I don’t fucken know, and I don’t really care either.

For some reason this band really fucken reminds me of Exit-13, Strong Intention and old Napalm Death with its bad ass hardcore/punk riffs and crushing grooves. The vocals are more of the hardcore variety, but you can hear the guy is genuinely fucken pissed off and angry. Who wouldn’t be? Oh fuck you too, it’s not quite as over-the-top as, say, Idiots Parade or Benümb – but this shit is great. It’s not exactly rip-your-fucken-face-off high speed grind all the time, but that’s okay. I actually like this midtempo approach, it is very old school and authentic.

By fucken Odin, I also love the raw production on this. Completely fucken underground with a booming bass guitar, chainsaw guitars and totally underproduced. Kinda like Mortician’s “Mortal Massacre”. Yeah, that band is fucken horrible, and you really shouldn’t listen to them – but that one album they did is great. The one with the drummer that nobody remembers. Yeah.

Holy fucken shit, dudes. It’s hardly the second coming of “Deathcrush”, but this is totally necro in a grindy way. Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, there actually still is fucken good grindcore in the old US of A.

“False Flag” is fucken raw, underproduced and totally angry grindcore the way it isn’t fucken played enough these days. Fuck whatever that stupid hipster label Relapse Records tells you is hot this week in metal. Boddicker is here, and they will fuck you up!

Rate: 7 / http://boddicker13.bandcamp.com/ , http://ritualkniferecords.tumblr.com/

 

Dementia Senex – Heartworm

DEMENTIA SENEX
Heartworm EP
The Path Less Traveled Records

cover-dementiasenex

For fuck’s sake, does this thing ever end?

Not this record, I mean this seemingly endless stream of underground metal coming from Italy. Not that I’m complaining. This shit is great. I suppose Dementia Senex is a mix of technical metal and post-hardcore, or like, what the fuck ever – what matters is that “Heartworm” (despite its completely fucken emo album title) is actually surprisingly good.

Cos with Italy – home to the blue eye-painted goddess herself, miss Vera Clinco – you just never fucken know. Odin knows that a lot of horrible crap came out of that country, but is, yeah, pretty good. Not something I’d listen to on a regular basis, cos I like my hardcore the way I like my (death) metal: compact, to-the-point and without any compromise.

For one thing I’ll concede that these guys can play a bit, and there are actual fucken songs. Never a given in underground metal. For some reason these pasta-eaters apparently really like old Neurosis, cos they go for that repetitive, tribal beat thing. Safe to say, fucken stop that. Geez. Who was it that ripped off Neurosis first? Converge? I dunno, doesn’t fucken matter anyway. I mean, we fucken get it: you have a diverse music taste. Good for you, now cut the fucken crap.

dementia-senexOh yeah, and for once the production isn’t completely fucken sterile and flat as a fucken pancake either. Seriously, it is becoming increasingly rare to actually be able to hear every single instrument – thankfully, this is hardcore more than actual extreme metal, so these guys probably are a bit more intelligent than the average drooling, retarded metalhead. Just fucken saying. If you want a fucken comparison think a hardcore variant of Sickening Horror (minus the industrial parts, obviously).

I suppose these guys listened too much Swedish metal of the 90s, cos this has that same sort of jagged nervous riffing. At least this is proof that there are bands in Italy that aren’t ripping off the shittastic Fleshgod Apocapasta, or the gay power metal warriors from Rhapsody. Odin knows we don’t need more Kaledons in our lifetme, nor Exhumers, or like, what the fuck ever.

Personally I’d rather contemplate the contents of miss Clinco’s wardrobe, or la bella vita of fabulous Fab Haeckel, the cutest German-Italian bass guitarist of them all.

For some reason the singer really, really, really reminds me of that guy that sang in Cerebrum back when they were on Lacerated Enemy Records. I dunno, for a post-hardcore band these guys certainly are metallic, but that’s okay.

I’d rather listen this than another “fucken br00dle” death metal from whatever the fuck it is that is hot in the metal industry this week. Maybe you’ll like this, maybe you won’t. To be perfectly frank, I don’t give a flying fuck either way. This EP was a fun listen, and leagues better than the stuff I’m usually fucken forced to sit through. That’s a start, I’d say. Fuck off!

Rate: 7 / http://thepathlesstraveledrecords.com/

From Hell – Ascent From Hell

FROM HELL
Ascent From Hell
Scourge Records/Glass Onyon PR

From Hell - Ascent From Hell (2014)

Here’s another so-called fucken supergroup to keep you screaming apes sedated and placated until the next big trend comes along. So yeah, From Hell is that band featuring a bunch of old men from the Bay Area scene, and some dude called George Anderson.

I like this, for fucken reals, but lay off the bro vocals already. For fuck’s sake, you have a perfectly serviceable rasp, and you throw in these half-assed and totally fucken impotent and unnecessary clean bro vocals? What is possibly gained with those?! Geez.

fromhellband2014_638Oh hey, so yeah, this band features Paul Bostaph, Steve Smythe and Damien Sisson. I never particularly cared for either of those bands any of these fucken old men were or currently are in, but there you fucken have it.

Odin knows how fucken much metalheads like useless trivia. This is supposed to be some big scary horror story, and the booklet conveniently lays out the basic fucken plot premise – but not too much is made of it.

I think Anderson really wanted to go for that King Diamond vibe. I dunno. I prefer Italian and meditterranean horror anyway over any of this American crap. There’s still some serious thrashing to be had whenever the band is allowed to actually put the pedal to the metal. Why From Hell persevere with that whole groovy midtempo shtick is something I’ll never know, cos with this level of expertise you’d imagine that they just pull all the fucken stops and just fucken thrash your head in. Well, no. I suppose that wouldn’t fit the whole concept of this story with all its silly samples and fruity effects. You aren’t scaring anyone, and this whole thing is kinda embarrassing, from a narrative point of view.

A killer trapped in hell must reclaim his soul from the body of a priest and drag it to hell? Excuse me – as I’m sure you spent probably a hell of a lot of fucken time on this story – but what exactly is gained here? The guy is still dead, and still trapped in hell no matter what he does. Doesn’t that kinda render this whole silly little excursion, I dunno, moot and fucken pointless?

Anyway, narrative troubles aside this is actually pretty good. Perfect second-tier stuff. I mean just look at the artwork, that horrible, horrible logo and the album title. That shit is beyond goofy. I can’t believe a bunch of men well into their forties (or fifties even) actually bothered putting this together.

The music is pretty exciting and solid, not nearly as fast and cutthroat enough, but solid all the same. The whole premise of this fucken is just… I dunno, juvenile? I think the plot to “Uncle Sam” or “Maniac Cop” was more intelligent and fucken compelling than this shit. Anyway, none of that really matters. Nobody listens to metal for the lyrics – and those that do, yeah, they got enough issues themselves.

Is there more you wanna know? It’s a bunch of fucken old men from the Bay Area jamming some music together, helping a friend who really wanted to get this story out. The lot of you probably will fucken check this out no matter what I write about it. So yeah, solid thrash metal with a goofy story to tie it all together.

From Hell is more than just decent, but Satan’s Host owns this niche.

Rate: 5 / http://scourgerecords.com/