The ABCs of Mayhem

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Arson: Varg Vikernes, bass guitarist during the “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” era, was planning this. There was found over 150 kilograms of stolen dynamite in his home and he had alleged plans to destroy Nidarosdomen, a large Christian church in Trondheim, on a religious holiday.

hellhammer_artistBlomberg, Jan-Axel: Third, and most recognizable drummer for the band. Mostly known for his preference in girlie shirts, his gay curly hair, porn mustache and his absolute insistence in having played, recorded and/or toured with every Norwegian (death, black, progressive, etc) metal band that lives within earshot of the Mayhem practice space at least ONCE, preferably more if there’s money involved.

Corpsepaint: Mayhem singer Per Yngve Ohlin (Dead) probably popularized it, along with Quorthon from Bathory.

Death metal: This is what “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” really sounds like, but we’re supposed to call this black metal for some reason. I dunno. Certainly doesn’t sound like it.

Euronymous: Øystein Aarseth, innovator of the second-wave black metal riff style, along with Snorre Ruch. It involved playing full chords using all the strings of the guitar in place of power chords using only two or three strings. It is presently unclear whether he got his name from the Latin scientific denomination of the spindle tree (which is called Euonymous).

Funeral fog: Opening song to the infamous debut album “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas”. There also is a rough demo recording with Dead on vocals around, before he was murdered by his band mate.

JanAxel-Drum2Good grief, man! A reaction often heard when people see the enormous size of Blomberg’s drum kit. I’m sure he’s compensating for something else being ridiculously small. Just fucken saying.

Helvete: A record store owned by guitarist/songwriter Øystein ‘Euronymous’ Aarseth and Stian Johansen, supposedly the gathering place for members of the Inner Circle. The venture that led to “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” ever finding funding. According to popular myth, a dank and dark place where one could hardly see the records being sold. The location is now a Vietnamese bagel shop called Vårt Daglige Brød (translation: Our Daily Bread)

Inner Circle: No, not that Inner Circle. A loosely but inter-connected assembly of Norwegian black metal musicians, or aspiring musicians. A bunch of frustrated adolescents that grouped together to support an ideology they found interesting. Øystein Aarseth supposedly was the ringleader, and much of the brains behind the operation. Rumored, and later confirmed, to have not existed in any meaningful capacity. A rumor started by Aarseth for extra publicity.

Just follow me: Øystein Aarseth was able to convince young and promising local death metal upstarts such as Arcturus, Immortal (the main duo fresh out of the formative Amputation and Old Funeral constellations), Emperor (still Thou Shalt Suffer at that point), Darkthrone and Enslaved to switch allegiance to the burgeoning black metal genre, which was at its infancy.

DSC1214Knife: Øystein Aarseth met the wrong side of one in an altercation at his home with legendary nut job Varg Vikernes, who was a client of his label. Vikernes murdered Aarseth for a number of alleged reasons, some of which make sense: over a girl, jealousy of Euronymous’s position in the Inner Circle, Euronymous owing him money, Euronymous not releasing Burzum’s albums on time.

Legend: Mayhem, the entity that has allowed these men to make an earnest living, is more famous (and thus economically viable) for their non-musical activity than the actual records they put out. Maniac (Sven Erik Kristiansen), a self-admitted alcoholic and automutilator, spent time in a mental institution after the “Deathcrush” recordings. Say no more… As always, the stories of the people behind the band are far more interesting than the music they write.

Gallery_MightyMusic-11Morrisound: Famed metal recording studio compound in the Florida region, mostly due to the works of Jim and Tom Morris, plus a maintenance guy who engineered by the name of Scott Burns. Mayhem famously claimed to be “anti-Scott Burns” on its debut EP “Deathcrush”, yet opted for a production job exactly like this on the album to follow…

Necro: This band is/was the embodiment of this very thing. If you can sit through “Deathcrush” without getting a splitting headache, you are a better man than I am… Fun fact: the engineer was expecting a reggae-band when Mayhem went to record “Deathcrush”.

Original members: Necrobutcher (Jørn Stubberud) is the only original member left in the band’s current constellation. Everybody else is a Mark II member at best, or a hired gun at worst. Also, Stubberud has no meaningful involvement in any of the songwriting.

deathcrush-LPPosercorpse Music: The original name of Øystein Aarseth’s label imprint, cos nobody in the Norwegian record industry would dare to touch the band. Mostly cos of its infamous legacy of arson, murder and, well, mayhem. Later changed name into Deathlike Silence Productions, and actually released one or two albums worth hearing/seeking out.

Question: Why is this fucken stupid band still around, let alone taken seriously? Why?!

Really fucken characterless: Mayhem were around for the first wave of black metal, and they took a good chuck of the early speed/thrash metal craze when they released 1987′s “Deathcrush”. “De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas” conveniently came out when death metal exploded in popularity, and 1997′s “Wolf’s Lair Abyss” hit when Norsecore became popular… “Chimera” and “Ordo Ab Chao” take copious influence from the “orthodox” black metal movement. The pattern is really fucken obvious. This terrible band has no individual sound to speak of.

Songwriting: There are several eras of this band, depending on who did the songwriting: Øystein Aarseth, Snorre Ruch, Rune Eriksen and now Morten Iversen. If you ever wonder why this band never manages to sound in any way consistent, this is why.

Tangerine Dream: ‘Silvester Anfang’, the intro to “Deathcrush”, is a song composed and performed by Conrad Schnitzler, a German experimental musician. He was most famous for his association with electronic music act Tangerine Dream, and its debut “Electronic Meditation”. Blomberg visited Schnitzler in his Berlin home in the summer of 1986, his persistence eventually paid off in getting the intro.

Ugh! An expression often associated with Tom G. Warrior, one of the genre’s forefathers.

venomVenom: Famous forefathers of the form along with Swiss band Celtic Frost. Noisy, brash and sloppy UK proto-black/death metal combo that was inspired by Motörhead, and sung jokingly about Satanic subjects cos of the shock factor. Mayhem took its name from a song of theirs called ‘Mayhem with Mercy‘.

Wolf’s Lair Abyss: The band’s 1997 reunion EP, and the name under which Mayhem performed a number of secret gigs during the EP’s international touring campaign. Surprisingly similar in construction to the notoriously primitive 1987 demo tape “Deathcrush”, which was released a decade earlier.

eXceptionally unexceptional: If this fucken god-awful band’s members hadn’t been killed, or incarcerated for things that have jack shit to do with the actual music – we wouldn’t be talking about this heap of overrated fucken manure right now. By Odin, this band isn’t nearly as good as many very impressionable people make themselves believe. Get some perspective. Geez.

kovenantYou gotta be kidding?! A reaction often uttered in disgust/dismay when people see the promo shoot that Jan-Axel Blomberg did with Covenant/The Kovenant for the “Animatronic” album. For good reason, there are Demon Burger and DeathStars photo sessions that are less fucken openly gay.

Zero integrity: Again, mister Blomberg drums with any band as long as there is a paycheck involved. Who the fuck cares about artistic integrity? Despite being all true and necro with Mayhem, this douche had no trouble recording with genre whipping boys Demon Burger. Not that it improved their god-awful Hot Topic poser metal. Just fucken saying.

And the new Gorgoroth album is called…

INSTINCTUS BESTIALIS

roger-tiegs-music-videosDon’t take my fucken word for it, tho. A little corpse painted bird told me. It is in no way officially confirmed at this point, but it is a title that keeps popping up whenever you protrude the interwebs deep enough. Odin fucken well knows how much the geriatric forest dwellers from Gorgoroth like their Latin album titles. I’m fucken surprised these guys haven’t done a split album with Dark Funeral by now…

I’m sure that at one point or the other Roger Tiegs will wake up from his inebriated slumber, and bless the world with some incoherent statement that nobody wants to work with him cos of all the man-drama his stupid band endured in the last couple of years. Right, cos nothing is more necro than a court case. Just fucken saying.

Anyway, “Instinctus Bestialis” has been in the works since 2009, and has yet to be completed in any meaningful way. It, I guess, is anticipated by all of three people that still actually care about this bunch of fucken old men. As of this writing, there is no additional information to be fucken had. I’m guessing they will record this at Monolith Studio again, since that piece of shit douchebag Tomas Asklund is still in this band.

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Gorgoroth’s last album dates from 2009, and has a really shitty long Latin album title. It was released on a label that is bankrupt now. That should tell you something. Gorgoroth will fuck up your business, creatively and otherwise. Don’t buy any of this stupid band’s albums.

Sammie Pennington – play it again, Sam

There are cute chicas, and then there is this one. Not since Keeley Hazell has a glamour model taken the industry quite by storm as the way this one did. Who is she, you ask? She is the most gorgeous glamour girl of them all. It is the one and only Sammie Pennington, of course.

600full-sammie-penningtonIt is hard to believe that Sammie started modeling in 2007, and even if she in the last 7 years made herself a household name in the business, she looks as fresh and perky as the day she debuted. Not even the braces she started wearing the last year (or so, I’m not really sure) take away from her ravishing beauty. Even with her absolutely spectacular curves and heavy tan Sammie comes with an endearing and disarming girl-next-door charm. Although it could be argued that she falls more under the typical model criterions when directly compared to, say, actual girls-next-door as the lovable lovelies Hannah Sharp or Tessa Fowler.

According to always informative boobpedia.com miss Pennington’s bra/cup size is an impressive and all natural 34F (although Alba Girls and TheNude insist that it is a 32F) – whatever it is, it is safe to say that Sammie is blessed on the bust front. What makes Sammie more charming is her heartwarming and innocent smile. There are so much more appealing things to miss Pennington than just her incredible inflated bosom. Her azure blue eyes I could drown in for a couple of days easy…

sammie_pennington_059This luscious Londoner is just a knock-out beauty all around. I’ll concede that her wealthy chest is a definite eye-catcher, and probably what started her modeling career in the first place, but the entire package it is part of is a work of art in its own right. Sammie is a stunner, no question about it.

The most beautiful thing about Sammie is her radiant smile. When miss Pennington smiles the world is suddenly a warmer and brighter place. She looks like a very happy and fun loving chica too. The kind of chica you can drink a few beers with, and that will continue to amaze you with all the amazing adventures she went on. And those eyes, don’t get me started on that. It’s all in her eyes, for fucken reals.

Sammie has the best eyes. I mean, I appreciate her ginormous bust just as much as the next guy, but one look in Sammie’s eyes, and I’m done for. She’s seductive and coy with her knowing looks. Combine that with her radiant smile, and you got yourself a killer package right there.

55160_c5u4pwpk2e_123_120loBut miss Pennington is the embodiment of pure sexual energy. It isn’t for nothing that this chica is as popular as she is, and that’s she’s on EliteTV and had a gig with Playboy. There can be never enough Sammie, but whatever it is that Sammie does, she does it with flying colors.  And she has a great tan too, she isn’t as pale as some UK glamour girls. I mean, I like Vikki Blows as much as the next guy, but for Odin’s sake, woman, go in the sunlight once every decade.

There are rumors in certain places on the interwebs that she dances at an exclusive gentlemen’s club in London. I can’t really confirm it one way or the other. I have yet to see London, and if I do I’ll make it my mission to find out where this club is. So, take this with a grain of salt, people. Add to that her Twitter mentions her occupation as “model & personal trainer”, and I’m guessing this is just a very persistent rumor.

For now let’s just agree that miss Pennington is just cuteness overload. Play it again, Sam!

See more of Sammie Pennington’s saucy content on OnlyTease.com.

Tonttu – Anti-Gnomen Divisionen 4

TONTTU
Anti-Gnomen Divisionen 4 (Mastering the Fine Art of Gnome Eradiction)
PanicMachine

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I don’t fucken know what drugs, mushrooms or booze Tonttu were on when they recorded this, but this is the most batshit insane, original, weird, out-there, idiot savant stuff I have heard in a long, long time.

I mean, fuck me, in a world where every death, black, thrash, or doom metal band sounds more interchangeable than the next “Anti-Gnomen Divisionen 4” is the sort of fucken work that takes everything you think you know about the genre, and kindly fucken throws it down a flight of stairs.

Hey, guess what, fuckheads? I don’t even know to properly fucken describe this.

Is it an inner monologue put to tape? A stream-of-conscious ramble from a certifiably insane mental patient somewhere in the land of Armi Päivinen? An extended in-universe meta-joke on the part of some metal band I’m not fucken aware of? A deranged piece of performance art – or just the biggest act of fucken musical trolling ever committed to recording? I mean, holy fucken shit, it could be all of these things, and I would still fucken like it!

Whatever the fuck this is, or isn’t, or is supposed to be – I like it.

Tonttu apparently means ‘pixie’ or ‘brownie’ in Finnish. The song titles are a hoot, tho. They called this fucken offies ‘Hors d’Oeuvres’, ‘Main Course’, ‘Dessert’. All in Finnish, of course, to make it all more fucken necro. These guys obviously like food as much as I do a cold pint of beer, and a nice pair of boobs. Odin knows that some craziness at least is a temporary distraction from the god-awful genericness of whatever else I have in my fucken promo queue right now.

confirmed-killFor some reason the entire premise is that these Finnish nut jobs hate gnomes, and apparently this is their way of stopping their plans for world domination. I fucken swear, the more I read into this band the crazier it gets.

The militaristic drumming and moody electronics in ‘Jälkiruoka’ are great, as it suddenly shifts gear from what previously was a pleasantly insane sounding minimalistic piece. And just when you think shit’s gonna get real dark and spooky, it does a 180° turn and transforms into what is almost a 80s/90s (something like Devo, Depeche Mode or early Gary Numan) dance tune for a bit.

By Ruby Jones’ tits, this shit is fantastic.

I don’t even fucken know at this point if this is just a truly genius piece of work delivered by the world’s craziest Finns, or just something that breaks with convention enough that I make it sound more fucken genius than it actually is. I don’t fucken know.

If I have to fucken break it down, this record basically consists of some fucken guy talking (Telling a story? Random ranting about gnomes? Some guy dealing with past traumas? Fuck if I know, the only Finnish I know are insults, and sweet words to whisper into Armi’s ear) with minimal backing from synthesized string instruments (violins, etc) and light electronic percussion with additional and sparse choral backing.

There aren’t any traditional metal instruments (guitars, bass guitar, drums) to be found, and the whole thing is arranged and structured like a theater piece, a children’s song, or a soundtrack than a regular metal record.

I’m not sure this is a fucken bad thing when it comes right down to it. The lack of metal instrumentation makes the whole thing even more batshit insane than it already is.

For once, I can fucken say: this is something you need to hear this year. Believe me, you want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes…

Rate: 9 / http://www.panicmachine.com/

Laminigoth – for my fallen angel

The “goddess series” will explore up-and-coming talent in and outside of the metal scene from the world over. Unlike the “busty series”, which focuses on female top-heavy extreme metal singers, or the “titty time” series that focuses on breasty models from all over the world – this new feature will concentrate on bringing attention to attractive girls that don’t fit the existing categories. Flemming is all about giving back to the scene, and as such he has made it his duty to discover and promote young talent, thus bringing them to the attention of metal scene at large. You saw it here first!

Laminigoth

Good things come in small packages, or in this case, from France.

laminigoth-combatThere are a lot of aspiring models in the world, but nobody does it quite like gothic cutie Laminigoth from Metz. I know I dedicated an article in this feature to Swedish lolita Jade Shady already, but this delicious French miracle is exactly what teen gothic models ought to be — and she has auburn hair too, that’s always a plus in my book. Laminigoth is a red hot sexpot in all the ways that matter, and then some.

Laminigoth is a goddess, and you better well know it.

Her everyday charm and natural attractiveness is what makes Laminigoth such a breathtaking model. She isn’t especially top-heavy, and most of her portfolio doesn’t seem to revolve around showing as much skin as possible. In fact her portfolio seems to be built around suggestion, being a tease and a healthy dose of good taste, and common sense. And there’s the fact that she listens metal too, of course. Nothing comes close to a teen, auburn haired metal chica that has absolutely no reservations for leering seductively into the camera, and strutting her stuff around for a bit.

This is the best thing to come from France since Massacra, and the grind bands on Kaotoxin!

laminigoth03Laminigoth is just your typical teen girl. She can be found usually wearing a lot of black (I’m guessing, N°1), long dresses and the type of boots that would make the average US Marine green with envy. This girl doesn’t need to try and be sexy, she just is. What is more attractive than a girl that is confident and comfortable in her own skin? Exactly.

There’s also the fact that Laminigoth is far from serious, and in a good deal of her pictures you can find her goofing off, or making funny faces. She’s loads of fun. I have this on good authority, cos I actually spent a little time talking to her on the interwebs. Laminigoth is everything you could wish for. Quelle belle fille, oui. She’s quite successful too, having build a small empire around her career as a model, and offering a platform for other aspiring alternative models in and around the region where she lives.

When was the last time I swooned over a teen girl? Oh wait, that’s right.

laminigoth02Laminigoth is just so adorable with her big puppy eyes, her flowing red hair, and Vanessa Paradis kind charm. It doesn’t really matter what hair colors she chooses, or what particular apparel she decides to pose in/with. Laminigoth is just so cute all by herself. I wish my French was stronger, then I would whisper sweet nothings into her ear all day, and make her my princess.

Considering just how beautiful she is, it makes you wonder why she hasn’t yet graced a few album covers in the metal world (or beyond that), or that she has shown up in a few music videos by now. Maybe it’s the gothic tag that limits her career opportunities, but then again maybe she consciously chose that.

Anyway, Laminigoth is the most adorable thing from France since Audrey Tatou. Here’s hoping she continues to bless us with her amazing photoshoots, and fun-loving demeanor – cos the metal world needs more of that. It’s far too serious as it is.

Laminigoth is an experienced model. Her work includes professional, amateur, studio and exterior work. If you are interested in working with this adorable fallen angel, contact her on FaceBook.

Cloud Rat is my new favorite grindcore band…

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Yeah, fuck you too, I realize I just sang my fucken incoherent praises to now defunct Slovakian female-fronted grindcore unit Idiots Parade… Here’s something that might fucken interest the three of you that frequent my blog (and that aren’t here for the boobs).

Cloud Rat is my new favorite grindcore band… and it should be yours too!

cloudrat-madison_marshallWho is Cloud Rat? Well, they are a trio from Mount Pleasant, Michigan that have been around since 2010, and who have released two albums (2010′s “Cloud Rat” and 2013′s “Moskha”) along with a compilation of non-album material in 2011 called “Fever Dreams”.

Oh yeah, and they are fronted by Madison Marshall, who has a mean set of pipes and a ton of frustration to scream off. Seriously, the power of this girl’s voice (and the conviction with which she screams her lyrics) makes Pete Ponitkoff pale in comparison. It’s just that fucken good. I’m not even kidding.

Check out Cloud Rat today. Cloud Rat’s most recent offering “Moskha” was released on IFB Records in 2013. While you’re at it visit the band’s FaceBook and catch one of their shows.

Sarah Kane makes death metal sound sexy!

If you happen be to semi-sentient, or just a regular visitor of YouTube – you’ll probably have noticed one particular female solo artist that always stands out, Sarah Kane.

Sarah_KaneWho is miss Sarah Kane, you ask? (you didn’t, but fucken humor me on this) Sarah Kane is a professional singer/songwriter in Philadelphia. Lyricist, arranger and composer, general cutie and lover of many genres of music, including death metal, of all things. Yeah, for fucken reals…

It’s good to see non-metal musicians exploring this fucken genre. I mean, it’s been probably a hundred years since Tori Amos covered Slayer. I can’t wait to hear her cover more metal tunes. Hopefully she’ll arrange an entire set of metal songs, and tour the ballrooms, cultural centers and prestigious artsy venues across the United States. I can think up a support too! Tell Sarah you want her to cover more fucken metal!

Just listen to the fantastic arrangement she wrote for her cover of Cannibal Corpse track ‘Carnivorous Swarm’. Seriously, why would you want to sit through the original when this option is available? The mind fucken boggles… and she’s pretty good looking too! What a voice at that!

Wonderful, isn’t it? She covered ‘Bleed’ by Meshuggah, the highly overrated Swedish tech act that hipsters and stupid kids all over the world can’t get enough from, and it is just as good. You know, I don’t particularly care what hair color miss Kane wears (I prefer auburn, tho), but here’s hoping she covers some early tunes from Death, Incantation (‘Desecration (Of the Heavenly Graceful), ‘Shadows From the Ancient Empire’, ‘Unholy Massacre’!) or Monstrosity (‘Devious Instinct’, ‘Manic’ or ‘Destroying Divinity‘). Just fucken saying.

Sarah Kane is on FaceBook. You can find out on her profile when she’ll be playing shows in your area. When she does, act fucken civil in her presence. This is not a metal show, you fucken asshat.